Have you ever found yourself arguing with your spouse and can’t remember what you started arguing about? Have you ever thought if you apologize and admit you were wrong, it could make you look weak? I must confess before the Lord brought healing into our lives and marriage, I used to struggle with this way of thinking quite a bit. That’s why I want to share with you why I now believe it is extremely wrong to fight over who is right.
For many years I was guilty of fighting to prove I was right. It didn’t matter what the argument was about, I was determined from the beginning to prove my points and to prove I was right. And if it ever appeared I could be wrong I would resist with everything I had to keep from admitting it.
My fight was
I often tried so hard to prove I was right I would lose my temper and say horrible things to my wife. I didn’t like feeling pushed into a corner and forced to admit I was wrong. So out of my fear of being wrong I came out swinging just to prove I wasn’t wrong.
Maybe I felt I was less of a man or less of a leader if I had to admit I was wrong. Or, I was afraid to admit I didn’t have it all together and I didn’t always have the right answer for the situation. Maybe I thought if I asked for my wife’s advice or opinion it would prove I didn’t know what I was doing and I shouldn’t be trusted as a leader.
Actually, the answers to those maybes I just mentioned are yes, yes, and yes. The truth is I did a lot of fighting to prove I was right. Because I was too insecure to admit when I was wrong. I had no understanding of how harmful it was to my marriage to be a “right fighter.” And I had no clue that it is more valuable to be humble than it is to be right.
Here are 4 reasons why it’s wrong to fight over who’s right.
It splits oneness.
For this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24
When we push to win an argument and determine to prove our spouse is wrong, we allow division into our marriage. As husbands and wives, our call is to live in a one-flesh relationship with our spouse. We are called to join and remain at all times in unity with our spouses.
Think about what it would look like if you encountered a man arguing with himself to the point he screamed hateful words and physically attacked himself. You would think that person must be schizophrenic. Because a schizophrenic person lives in that division of two or more people within themselves. His wholeness is divided, his oneness is split. And that’s the type of dysfunction that happens in marriage when we fight to be right.
Fighting is prideful and selfish.
For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life is not from the Father but is from the world. ~ 1 John 2:16
For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. ~ James 3:16
Whenever the goal is to prove we’re right and our spouse is wrong that automatically makes us wrong. Because that’s pride and selfish ambition driving us. Defeating our spouse in an argument should never give us a sense of triumph. There are no trophies for that. And we can forget about receiving a prize.
We build walls when we fight.
A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle. ~ Proverbs 18:19
When we determine to prove ourselves right we are equally trying to prove our spouse wrong. When we do this we are squishing our spouse’s opinions and perspective. This usually results in offense because our spouses will feel like we don’t care or don’t respect what they think. And as the bible says, the offense turns into a wall that is tough to overcome.
Fighting lacks vision.
Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained,……… ~ Proverbs 29:18
To fight over who is right is short-sighted and lacks vision for what matters most. First, it causes us to overlook what’s really important. Our relationship with God, our spouse’s well-being, and the health of our marriage should never take a back seat to our right to prove we’re right.
Secondly, it causes us to miss the opportunity of finding good solutions for the real problems we disagree about. What was important enough to have a disagreement over becomes meaningless because we make being right the most important.
When we don’t fight
What if we gave up our right to be right? What if our aim was not about winning and instead we aimed to lose? Could it be there is greater value in losing than there is in winning? Jesus thought so.
He said this:
….. “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. 25 For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” ~ Matthew 16:24-25
“Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity.” ~ John 12:25
“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” ~ John 15:12-13
And then the apostle Paul wrote:
Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. ~ Philippians 2:3
I could go on and list many more scriptures, but I think the point is clear. The Lord says it is more important and more valuable for us to deny our right to be right. He says it is better for us to serve and give preferential treatment to our spouses. He says that the greater act of love is for us to lay down our lives for our spouse. When we trust the Lord and do this His way I believe we will find life to be much simpler and much more peaceful.
And so we have a choice. Are we better off doing this our way, fighting for our right to be right? Or do we trust God and do this the kingdom way, by choosing to lose our lives by laying down our rights for something better.
Again, I want to strongly recommend Fawn Weaver’s new book “The Argument-Free Marriage.” I think there are some powerful truths she packs into this book and I know it will deeply impact every marriage that embraces these truths.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I used to tell couples that how easy they resolve their conflicts determine the level of their commitment to their marriage and to each other. Couples who are committed to their marriage, they put the success and peace of their marriage above their own selfish interest. It is selfishness that makes couples fight over who is right or who is wrong.
Using myself as an example, my wife and I don’t argue who is right or who is wrong because we can all be right or wrong in our own way. What we look out for is what is the best of the two options? It can be the option my wife brought out as it does not necessarily have to be my own option. I remember, on many occasions, i gave my wife go ahead to implement her own option but she will come back to me to say that she think that my own option is better for the family.
In other words, couples that want to see their marriages succeed don’t bother who is right or who is wrong so long as it benefits their marriage.
Thanks the comment. I agree with the points you’ve made.