.The desire for a good marriage is a strong desire for most people. I’m sure, most people who are married or hopes to be married wants their marriage to be good. But how do you know if you have a good marriage if you’re not sure what a good marriage looks like?
Sure, you can look around and compare your marriage to other couples. If their marriage appears good you will want to know if you have what they have.
If you think their marriage is built on great friendship, then maybe that’s what you need to have. They could be good communicators. Maybe that’s your answer. If they are romantic and affectionate with each other, that could be what your marriage needs. Or if they report having a very satisfying sex life you could think that is your answer as well. All of these and so much more are great qualities to have in marriage.
But comparing your marriage with someone else’s is no way to answer the question. After all, each couple is unique in their own way and there is no way to duplicate their uniqueness. Besides, looking in from the outside at someone else’s marriage will never give you the full picture. You still won’t be able to tell what makes their marriage good.
So, What Does a Good Marriage Look Like?
Creating a good marriage and maintaining a good marriage requires making conscious choices every day of our lives. During the bad years of our marriage, we still had some seasons when it was good. And now through all these good years, we occasionally have some moments of bad. The choice has always been there even when we did not understand what that choice was.
There is always a choice between two models of marriage. One model allows us to build a good marriage, the kind of marriage God designed for us to have. And the other model causes us to destroy it because it’s against God’s design.
To have a good marriage, you must choose between a marriage that manipulates or a marriage that ministers.
There is no such thing as a picture perfect marriage because none of us can be perfect. Because neither you or your spouse have the capacity to be perfect. You have to constantly choose how to deal with the imperfections in each other and therefore in your marriage. And the way you deal with it will always be a choice between manipulation and minister.
Choice number one is to manipulate.
This is really not that much of a choice because it comes naturally for us. So we have to conscientiously work to stop it.
Maybe you’re thinking, “wait a minute, I don’t see myself as a manipulator.”
But I can assure you anytime you give place to selfish thoughts and selfish motivations you will use some form of manipulation to serve your own personal desires.
- You may scream and yell at your spouse when you don’t get what you want.
- You may pout and sulk in order to teach your spouse a lesson.
- Maybe you use cutting words to hurt your spouse when you disapprove of the way they do things.
- Or, you refuse to say anything or do anything nice unless your spouse says or does something nice first.
- You may refuse to forgive your spouse until they have suffered the sufficient amount of suffering you think they deserve.
- Or, when your spouse has broken your trust you may use your lack of trust as a way of keeping control over your marriage.
- When your spouse fails to meet your expectations you could refuse to be engaged with your spouse by staying away from your home.
- Or, even if you are at home you stay plugged into the TV, telephone, social media, or some type of hobby.
- And of course, you could also resort to abuse, having an affair, or using pornography, all in an attempt to serve what you want. Because for one reason or another your spouse is not fulfilling your desires.
Choice number two is to minister.
You may have never thought of ministry as something that takes place in marriage. But ministry is exactly what has to take place in marriage when it is good. It is that place where regardless of how imperfect your spouse is, you choose to put your spouse first instead of putting yourself first.
- You minister to your spouse by your commitment to your marriage covenant and by never threatening to break that covenant when the challenge gets tough.
- You minister to your spouse by serving their needs first above your own. And by preferring your spouse as the most important person in the relationship.
- When there is a failure in your marriage you minister by confessing your faults to one another and asking for forgiveness.
- You minister to one another by forgiving one another without expecting retribution or punishment.
- And when you allow yourself to trust again when trust has been broken you are ministering.
- You minister to one another by not withholding affection or sexual intimacy just because you’re not in the mood for it.
- If your marriage comes up short in the romance department you can minister to your spouse by initiating ways to create a new spark.
- When you choose to speak kindly to each other even when the other spouse is being hateful, you are ministering.
- Choosing to fill the gap of unmet expectations with unconditional love is also ministering.
- When faced with challenges or differences you minister by submitting to one another.
Choose the right model
Regardless of what examples I give or the examples you may think of, the choice is always ours to follow. Either the model of self-seeking manipulation which will only bring us heartache and hardship. Or we choose the model of life-giving ministry, that can be proven over and over to be exactly what is taken place in some form or another when we examine what a good marriage looks like.
Question: What steps are you willing to take to build a good marriage? Are you willing to move from self-seeking manipulation to life-giving ministry?
After 18 years of marriage, I still struggle with selfishness and bearing grudges against my husband. I’m trying to take steps in understanding what my God-intended role as a wife is and fixing myself accordingly. I just finished reading a brand new book that focuses on effectively influencing our marriages in a positive way by changing what we can – ourselves – our attitudes, actions, decision, priorities and words. It’s called “The Wholehearted Wife: 10 Keys to a More Loving Relationship,” by Erin, Greg and Gary Smalley. Biblical, inspirational, affirming. One of my favorite quotes is, “When we turn to God for help, he fills us with his love and enables us to see ourselves and our husbands through his eyes. Keep in mind that a wholehearted wife focuses first on her own heart!” I highly recommend it!
That sounds like a great book. We have been to a Gary Smalley conference and we love what Greg and Erin share on Focus on the Family.
Good stuff! Thanks for recommending the book.
I feel like I hate my husband now. He is so petty and vindictive. Every act of kindness has a price and payment is demanded up front. I long for the days of living in peace as a single woman.
I will have to check it out
This is definitely the way forward ….ministering ….if the whole world behaved that way , peace at last
Unconditional positive regard is a start too….
There is one way…lord….one prayer …..the lords prayer
Thanks for commenting.
It’s difficult to minister if the one thing you need in marriage does not have hope of even existing. So my question is…do we need to have something to get from marriage or we need to have something to give and be given in return?