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Do You Speak Words to Create the Marriage You Want?

I wonder sometimes if we understand the value of our words. Do we realize there is power in what we say? God created us in His image. Which means, like Him we have the power to speak words into our world. And the words we speak can have a lasting impact on our lives and the lives of those around us.

speak words

“The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.” Prov.18:21

We can speak words that build up or we can speak words that tear down. It’s our choice. And you better believe as the verse says, we will reap the consequences of our choice.

Often, in marriage, we lose sight of this truth.

Somehow we let down our guard and we use words that hurt feelings and attack the character of our spouse. In times of frustration or stress we use words, we later regret. Or we get complacent with our relationship. And we neglect to use words that lift up and let our spouses know how valuable they are to us.

In both ways, our marriage suffers from the way we use our words. Blow after blow our marriage suffers like a building struck time after time with a wrecking ball. Until our spouse becomes so beaten down, their hope for survival causes them to search for a way to escape. They either turn to their own coping mechanism. Or, they leave the marriage completely.

I know because I was the guilty one. Over and over, I struck my wife with words that wounded her heart and assaulted her character. And there were many unspoken good words that left her feeling abandoned. Until she felt her only hope to escape the misery was to escape our marriage.

The odd thing was I didn’t always use wrong words. Often, I said things that meant to build her up and strengthen our relationship. 

But I remember her saying on many occasions that what I said was confusing to her. One minute I spoke life-giving words and then the next minute I spoke hurtful words. My words lacked integrity. And left her unsure of what she should believe.

Don’t lose the integrity of your words?

Do you mean what you say and say what you mean? Do you live every day knowing your world (marriage, family,) is held together with your words?

As I stated already, God created us in His image. If we take that as serious as we should, we have to also recognize this truth. Heb. 1:3 says “…He sustains all things by His powerful words…” 

It is the integrity of His word that continues to hold His creation together. If God ever went back on His word. If He did anything that compromised the word He has spoken, everything would fall apart.

This is how serious I believe He wants us to be about the words we speak. We should examine ourselves and how we use our words. We should be proactive and intentional with the words we speak.

Our lives, marriage, families, our own little world depends on the words we speak to hold it together.

How should you speak words?

  • Speak words that build up and produce life. – Even if you can only think of one good thing to say to and about your spouse, focus on that. That’s called the 100 to 1 rule, 100% focus on the 1 good thing.
  • Mean what you say, and say what you mean. – Speak words that build up. And don’t contradict what you say by speaking opposite words at a different time. Also, don’t just throw out random flowery words that you don’t mean.
  • Create the marriage you want with your words. – God created with words. And God also calls those things which are not as though they were. So, we can too. If we want a great marriage we can speak the words that create it even before we see it.
  • Speak good words about your spouse. – Speak to others about your spouse the same way you speak to your spouse, in an uplifting, life-giving manner. Cut out the negative talk that does nothing to build up your marriage.
  • Never make excuses for using hurtful words. – Bad moods, that time of the month, stress from the job, stress over money or children. Or whatever the reasons are, we cannot use excuses to justify our wrong.

Every day counts

The words we speak every day make all the difference in marriage.  We can use our words to create and build a beautiful relationship. Or, we can use our words to diminish the beauty and destroy what we have given our lives to. We get to choose how we frame our world by the words we use every day.


Can you identify a way to improve the words you speak that will help your marriage? Leave us a comment below.


Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net


  1. KEN says:

    How can you only speak good things about your spouse if they are having an affair and swear they love that person and they treat you badly?

  2. Jack says:

    Ken, I understand what you’re saying. Your situation is a tough one to be in and that does make it hard to find good things to say. But I still believe it can be done and I believe it is important for you to do it.
    Your challenge to find something positive to say is more about you than about your wife. Can you have a positive perspective in a negative situation? If you can, I think that will go a long way for you personally and hopefully for everyone else in your life.
    2 practical points I would make is:
    1) Like I mentioned in my first point on this post, if you can find at least 1 good thing then focus on that.
    2) Follow God’s example and “call those things that are not as though they were.” Abraham was 75 when God started promising to make Abraham a father of a great nation and at that time he had no children. Abraham was 100 when Issac was born. Which means he trusted the words God said for 25 years before he began to see any evidence of the promise.

    Thanks for commenting here. If you need to have a more in depth conversation, feel free to email me. I’m more than happy to help if I can.

  3. Sylvia Tucker says:

    What if your spouse has lied since the beginning about most everything but yet operate in the marriage like he’s truthful? For example: leaving the house like he’s going to work but hardly ever producing an income to help the household, like making up events like he’s victimized and the incidents never really happened…
    This is just to name a few…
    Who can trust or think of anything to say good about that type of spouse? Someone who has left you struggling, almost evicted, sometimes hungry but never admit they have no “real job(s)” …just pretending to be at work 8-12 sometimes then come in and shower and making up reasons to never getting paid?? …like HR messed up my check or the checks didn’t come or the insurance will start in 30days…then when that ran out then oh, 60 days…then mysteriously have an incident and what do you know….”I changed jobs”


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