I came to the place in my life that I could no longer run from the pain. My life was a mess and I needed help. I had stuffed all my pain and hurt deep inside from the wounds from others and wounds that were self inflicted. So I turned to a counselor to help me out of my prison.
I was dealing with abandonment issues from both my mother and my father. I had been abused from early childhood all the way through my adult life. Three different men molested me from age 6 to ll. One of the men did it more than 20 times. I was date raped twice when I was a teenager. I was physically abused from my father and a couple of times in my first marriage. And I dealt with emotional abuse from my father, my first husband, and in my marriage with Jack.
Healing brought change
As I started healing from these wounds things started changing around me. Jack and I started talking in greater depth to the point we started healing each other. The wounds we caused each other were explained and we both cried a lot. It was the most amazing time I had ever been through. We had nothing to lose but to be honest and transparent.
In July 2002, just before our 20th anniversary, I decided I no longer wanted to leave. The stronghold that had me was broken and I wanted to stay in my marriage. I was different and I knew I had been completely healed of my brokenness. I still deal with some daddy issues and I am working through them. But with each step I’m stronger.
I’ve learned to not let things and what people think of me steal my joy. Something new may come at me and it may make me take a step back by the blow, but I don’t stay there. I stand on whose I am and what He has done for me and brought me through. I am going forward no matter what may come my way.
Don’t run from the pain
And what I want to say to you is Don’t Be Afraid of Your Pain. Stop running from it.
We are programmed to avoid pain, to stuff it away and not talk about it. Pain secludes us and tells us no one will understand or know one cares. And so we begin to stuff pain upon pain till it crushes us, we have nowhere to go, it immobilizes us. We are hurt more by avoiding pain than by going thru it. Looking back now I see it was a God thing that I chose to not take any medication when my counselor offered it to me. I wanted to go through the pain to feel it for the LAST time.
Your pain is like the monster under the bed or in the closet. You are so afraid that the pain will kill you. But Iet me say it is already destroying you. It is causing you to not enjoy life, your children, your spouse, put in there whatever that is. You are not living you are only existing, that is such a killer. There are people out there who will take their own lives because the pain is more than they can live with.
It takes time to walk through the pain and to unravel it all to get to the root of it. Walking through it takes courage and strength. You will be surprised at yourself how much strength that is in you and how strong you really are. You survived this far and you can overcome and be an conqueror. Your pain wants you to coward down to it so that it can keep you bound, hurting and suck the life out of you.
Rise up and become the warrior God has called you to be.
Don’t be afraid to face your pain. God is with you when you decide to face your pain. As you surrender yourself to Him, He is right there doing the work, doing the change in you. Your place is to keep yourself in true surrender and it is His job to take you through it.
“Do not be afraid” He says, “for I am with you”. He says, “DO NOT FEAR” 365 times in the bible. So let this be your word for each day. Do not be Afraid. Let Him be the strong one, let him build you and make you whole. Be patient with yourself and do not hurry God, because there are treasures he will give you in the journey that will sustain you and soothe your heart.
Remember it is not about the destination, it is all about the journey. The journey is about you and your relationship with the King and about you being His daughter or son whom He loves and adores. He wants you to be whole so you can really live the life He desires for you. He purchased abundant life for you and He wants you to have it all.
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