I came to the place in my life that I could no longer run from the pain. My life was a mess and I needed help. I had stuffed all my pain and hurt deep inside from the wounds from others and wounds that were self inflicted. So I turned to a counselor to help me out of my prison.
I was dealing with abandonment issues from both my mother and my father. I had been abused from early childhood all the way through my adult life. Three different men molested me from age 6 to ll. One of the men did it more than 20 times. I was date raped twice when I was a teenager. I was physically abused from my father and a couple of times in my first marriage. And I dealt with emotional abuse from my father, my first husband, and in my marriage with Jack. Read more
It’s easy to love your spouse when your marriage is healthy and going strong. There is a rhythm to how love flows and it seems effortless. It’s like the two of you are dancing in harmony with each step perfectly timed and choreographed. You give and then you receive and then you give some more. You both give love at the same time and in the same way. You both give love at opposite times and in opposite ways. You know without a doubt the two of you are becoming one.
But what if your marriage is not working this way? What if the music has stopped and there is no dance left in your marriage? You’re trying to continue to love your spouse even though you are seriously hurting inside. You believe in marriage. You want to honor the vows you have made. You want to do what is right before God. So you keep trying to love even when the pain of rejection and neglect keeps telling you to stop.
There is a wrong way and a right way of letting go of the things that hurt you. When someone does us wrong or has bad behavior that offends us, we will often say “I just let it go,” or “I don’t even let it bother me.” But often when we think we are letting go of something that hurts us, the truth is the offence actually still has some effect on us and could be damaging to our future.
So what is the wrong way and the right way of letting something go?
Like a low-grade fever that allows you to function even though you know something is wrong in your body, you could be living with a constant low-grade fever in your marriage. Your marriage survives from day-to-day because it doesn’t seem to be in critical condition, but you know internally there is a fight going on against something that isn’t quite right.
You may be one of the many couples who live with this condition for years and never do anything to fix the problem. But very often what seems to be a case of marriage with a simple cold eventually turns into a sickness that threatens the life of the marriage.
It isn’t that hard to recognize if your marriage has a fever or not. You know if your marriage doesn’t feel well. You know if there is problems in your marriage that should be resolved. If there is an irritation you feel toward your spouse, you know it. And you probably know if there is some irritation your spouse feels toward you. Read more
Tho desperation I felt to save our marriage was tremendous. I had waited so long for signs of hope and yet so many times it seemed my hopes were dashed. I had no problem accepting I had hurt our marriage, and so all I could think was trying to fix the problems I helped create.
After a good while into our last separation my wife finally decided to go see a counselor. There were a lot of issues she had been dealing with from her childhood and she finally reached a point where she said enough is enough. She wanted the stuff that had tormented her all of her life to be gone once and for all.
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One of the hardest things I have had to come to terms with in my life is the fact that I spent nineteen years of my marriage being an unhappy wife when all along I could have been a very happy wife. I’ve had to mourn those wasted years. There gone now and there is nothing I can do to get them back. That’s why I am so thankful the Lord is redeeming that time for us.
Though if I could, I would go back and talk to my former self. Because there are some things I would like for her to know. There are some things I would like to say to her to encourage her and reassure her. So I would say…. Read more
We have seen the scenario time after time. Two people come together in marriage with some type of baggage from past relationships. Be it from an ex spouse, a parent, siblings, or a bad teacher, many people have some old wombs from the past that is brought into their marriage. And it has been rightly said many times, “you shouldn’t make your spouse pay for what someone else did.”
But recently when a couple in our marriage class was talking about some stuff they have to deal with from their past and how their past experiences cause them to react the way they do today, a new idea on this issue struck me.
“Will anyone support my decision to try to save my marriage?” That was the thought that run through my head time after time as family and friends continued to discourage the position I had taken to save my marriage. I was believing for a miracle turnaround, but most of my loved ones thought I was being a fool.
I understood that they were only concerned for my well-being and they did not want to see me hurt more than I already had been. And the truth is if I had been wanting to end my marriage I would have appreciated their support for that.
On a previous post, I Want To Know What Love Is, I made the statement, “not one time does the bible refer to love as being something you feel.” But after saying that and reading some things in the word this week I had to go back and edited that line. It now reads, “Not one time does the bible refer to love as something you only feel.” The important change I made was adding only.
I had to make that change because to be honest love is something we also feel. It is that thing inside us that causes us to say things like, “I love you and I want to marry you,” and “I have loved you for a very long time.” And when we do something that shows our love we explain, “I did it because I love you.”