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Should You Stand for Your Marriage

There are many of you who are in a very difficult place right now. Your marriage is in trouble and all you know to do is stand your ground and believe for the restoration of your marriage. You’re in one of the greatest challenges a person can face in life. And I know some of you ask yourself how much more you can take.

I want you to know Janet and I admire and appreciate every one of you facing this battle. It takes a lot of courage and conviction to take this stand. As many of you know I have been there, and I know too well how difficult it is.

 

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Your story may be different from what I went through, but I understand the delicate balance you have to walk between heartache and hope. One minute your heart is so torn and broken you don’t think you can go any further, then the next minute your heart is so alive with the hope of your future as long as you can just hang on a little longer.

I know there are times when your spouse has a lot to do with how much heartache or hope you feel. You hang on to every little word and every little action trying to read into which direction your spouse will take. And then there are times when your spouse gives you no reason at all to hope but yet you have hope anyway.

And because I’ve been there I also know that your decision to stand for your marriage is yours and yours alone. I heard lots of doubters telling me I should just divorce my wife, and I heard a little bit of encouragement telling me to keep believing.

But I have to be honest with you, standing for our marriage did not come from a conviction where I felt I had no choice as in God expected it from me. Standing for our marriage came from two other strong convictions.

First, I strongly did not want to ever go through a divorce. For me, the possibility of divorce was the worst thing I could possibly face in life next to a death of a child or something that tragic. So I don’t know if it was the fear of divorce or the deep desire to be married for life, either way, I wanted no part of it.

Secondly, I stood for our marriage out of my strong conviction that my wife was heading in a wrong direction. And if I didn’t stand for our marriage, her life could have been in jeopardy or at least filled with more heartache and disappointment.

So for me to stand or not stand for our marriage was a choice God gave me. I believed it was something He was asking me to do but was not demanding me to do. I felt the assurance from the Lord that my life was going to be okay as long as I held onto Him no matter what happened to our marriage.

There was even one time when I was worshiping the Lord and I felt the reality of divorce trying to grip my heart so bad I could hardly stand it. Then the Lord spoke to my heart and said His grace would see me through it. From that moment on the fear of divorce no longer tormented me.

So we write here on this blog, posts on Facebook, and tweet on Twitter a lot to help encourage those of you who are standing for your marriage. We believe in what you’re doing and we will continue to stand with you.

While at the same time I hope we do not come across as condemning or judgmental toward anyone who decides they can no longer stand. We are not blind to the fact that a lot of marriages will not make it. And we know there will be couples divorcing every day for careless and selfish reasons.

It is not our job to decide whose marriage should be saved or not. Nor is it our job to say how far people can go in an effort to save their marriage. Our purpose is to share hope and encouragement to those who want to save their marriage in the same way we would encourage someone to pursue a dream, regardless of what the circumstances look like.

This type of encouragement may seem naive and foolish to some. But for anyone who has ever been faced with an impossible situation and seen it work out the way we have, they know what seems naive and foolish can actually be the best move they ever made.

I stood for my marriage and even if it had not worked out I believe I still would not have regretted giving it every possible chance I could. What I would have regretted was if I had given up on my marriage and then later realize it could have been saved if I had held on a little longer.

So this choice is yours. It is a choice you make between you and God. No one else can tell you what you should do. While at the same time, no one else will be accountable for the choice you make.

But if you’re looking for encouragement to keep standing no matter what the circumstances look like, then you’ve come to the right place. This is what we are here for. This is what Redeeming Marriages is all about, along with sharing truths to prevent marriages from breaking down in the first place.

 

Question: What is God speaking to you about your marriage? 

 

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

13 comments

  1. Heather Keller says:

    Even though my husband is living with another woman and has filed for divorce my heart says hold on and let God work. The divorce goes to court in less than 2 months but I’m holding on.

  2. Anonymous says:

    My husband has backslidden doesn’t want to hear anything from me. Has cheated on me & lived with his girlfriend in my home during my business trips. He has moved

  3. tanya says:

    I believe God is speaking to me but I’m not hearing Him or I’m not understanding what He’s saying. I have a problem reading the Bible, the words are blurred and the only time that I can think I pray is when I’m on my prayer calls. I have thoughts of praying and talking to God but its only in my head. Not only that but I’m not sure how to get out His way nor totally submit to Him

    • Kimberlyn says:

      I believe that God is spelling to me as well. I asked someone who is well versed in their walk with God, she said if we can find word in our bible that lines up with what we “think” we hear … then believe that it is God speaking to you!

      I was in the shower the other morning crying and begging God to bring my husband home, i suddenly calmed down and heard … “prepare your home, for he is returning” … I wasn’t sure if it was my wishful thinking or in fact God talking to me. Nonetheless, I am being obedient and preparing my home for my husband’s return …

      I hope this helps!

      • Heather Keller says:

        I continue to pray and listen but I hear nothing. Its been 7 months but deep in my but I believe he will come home. I pray for God to give me the quiet in my soul to hear him. I don’t give up until God tells me to.

  4. Christian says:

    My wife eft with a younger man almost a year ago. The divorce is in 1 month. I have heard God a few times , but the other day he spoke to me and told me “it’s not dead yet” after I had just gone to my lawyers office to drop off paperwork. I know He is working and I will stand for my marriage as long as it takes!

  5. Jennifer says:

    Hi,
    My husband left 3 weeks ago, we have 2 young boys together. We had been going through problems, and went through a month long separation this year already, which he says he should have never came back in the first place. Just before he left this time around, we had (and still have) financial issues that desparately needed his attention, but all he did was ignore them, stay at work later, and made work his very top priority and go surf a lot. (There’s no other woman, it was confirmed) Myself and our boys were very last on his list, his lack of involvement in our marriage (never had much involvement in the first place) started to take a toll on me, because I work full time, and have the stress and burden of ALL the household matters and taking care of all the kids needs on my shoulders, and because of this, I don’t work a full 8 hour day, having to bring my work home and do some work at nights. I was alone, very alone in my marriage. On top of that, he’s emotionally abusive and WAS physically abusive in the very very beginning of our relationship. He had MAJOR anger issues (hit me a couple times) but mainly it was him being destructive with our things, putting holes in walls, etc. He has not put a hole in the wall in a very long time, about 2 years. He’s learned to deal with his anger in more of a calm manor, so he overcame a lot. I believe this was Gods doing. He can be emotionally abusive, in a manipulative way. He says he’s “joking around” but he’s not. A lot of things he says hurts. I tried on a dress recently, and showed him while we were in the store and said “what do you think about this dress?” He said “that looks really nice on you, now all you need is a tan” He said this sarcastically, and I tried to put the dress back, even though I wanted it, but he made me get it, and asked why I wouldn’t want it, I said “because of what you said, I’m not going to be comfortable wearing it around you”. He said “what? See that’s where you are just too insecure” These are the types of poking he does at me (it’s been far worse in the past) and starting to with my older son. It causes insecurities and doubts about whether or not he cares for me and my feelings. One day my son had a bad soccer game, and he was crying, (he works so hard to impress his Dad) I was hugging him in his room and his Dad walked in a sarcastically said “ohhhhh, are you having a moment?” (Very sarcastic and laughed) My son felt stupid and literally pushed me away. After that, everytime I came around my son (9 year old) and touched him on his back or tried to be loving in front of his dad, he would push me away. It’s so hurtful. I talk to my son a lot about his actions and make him recognize what’s hurtful. I have prayed for my husband a lot. I have more of a relationship with God then he does, he says he prays but he doesn’t want to go to church, doesn’t really like to talk much about God and gets anxious when I do bring Him up. I was putting the pressure on him the week before he left, I told him how I really needed his help with the kids, it’s to a point im struggling at work. (A job that I was just hired at) This was a job God provided, in every way. It was a promotion for me, and the agreement is, that in order for me to be promoted, I will need to get my bachelors degree. Which, I’m fine with, I actually have the support of my job in order to get that degree…great opportunity! But when I am not finishing my work and having to take on everything at home, it’s showing poorly in my work, which stresses me out, and in the meantime, he’s getting promoted, getting bonuses, etc because of the hard work and time he puts in. I prayed and prayed and prayed and demanded for a change. So I finally went to talk to my husband about all that I had recently told him, about ignoring our financial issues, about lack of involvement and he told me (3 weeks ago today) that I am right (he started to cry), and said that I have done everything right as a wife and mother, he knows the things he ignores, he is aware of all I do and what I need, he said he has the perfect life, but he’s still not happy. He said I deserve more than what he can give me, that he loves me very much, but he isn’t “in love” with me anymore. He said he could be making a big mistake but he’s just not sure what his purpose in life is anymore. (Im his second marriage, he has a total of 4 kids-2 from his previous marriage) and that maybe he’s just not that guy who is a family man. I think he realized that he really needs to be more involved and to be more responsible, and this would require him to change habits (he’s 42) and this would be the biggest change he would have to make. I have always been too accommodating. So I’m asking a lot to have him help. He is now making up excuses and putting lies into his head about me to validate his reasons for why he left us. He’s telling people untrue things about me. Which hurts more. I raised his son, who decided to live with us when he was 8, he called me mom, and we had a close relationship, he moved out when he was 18. I supported his daughter with everything I had. Gave and sacrificed so much of myself for him and his 2 kids. (I worked graveyard shifts, came home and taught his son while he was being homeschooled because he had migraine headaches as a kid) I was his mom. I was a mom to his daughter, even though she lived with her mom. Always helped her with everything and anything.
    My husband and I are in a lot of debt. He likes to buy himself big things, he has a brand new truck ($45,000 @ $835 a month) and we can’t afford it. But he wanted it, and works hard so he felt he owes it to himself, meanwhile, I had to take my son off the soccer club he loves so much, because we can’t afford the $900 club dues that were left. 🙁 His image has always been more important than our needs. He resents paying the rent or car payments. He likes to have money in his account so that he can go out to dinner and do things. He doesn’t plan for the future or anything either, doesn’t like to…says we aren’t promised tomorrow, why should we plan? Hes hurt me a lot. I am resentful because I’ve done it all and been everything to him. He left, and is so adamant on his choice to leave me. I told him we could get help, it’s not an excuse for divorce. I am the one holding on…when I have been the one neglected, abused, and abandoned. He left without paying the rent, so I had to borrow the money to pay it. He made an excuse as to why he couldnt help, and I was coming up with solutions that he wasn’t agreeing to. He picked up the kids for a day last weekend, but hasn’t seen them since. He doesn’t seem to want to help financially, and seems to be waiting around for me to take him for child support. He said he figures I will take him to the DA anyway. I have always told him that i absolutely hate the court system, and if we can agree on our own terms and stick to it, the better off we are and the kids are. It’s too stressful and expensive to get court involved (we have gone through lots of court battles in the past with his ex wife….I, again, did all of the work for those cases when I shouldn’t have…I made too many mistakes being a doormat) So after the excuses as to why he couldn’t help us with our October rent, we haven’t talked or texted or anything in over 2 weeks. I refuse to text him or talk to him because it seems to always hurt when we do talk, it feels like it opens wounds. I have to at some point talk to him about providing for the kids and being on a set visitation schedule.
    I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to stay a faithful wife to God, and pray for his return because I believe in what God has to offer marriage and I don’t want a divorce. I believe so strongly in my husband, when no one else does (not even his own family) he is a good man, and i believe that he wants to be that man he has shown to be at times. He’s come to me crying and told me he’s prayed to God about being a better father and husband. He has the potential, but now he’s running away from it, very adamant about how he just doesn’t love me in those ways anymore. He seems to be in a dark place right now. And for me, I am coming closer to giving up. I should be the one saying those things he tells me, I should be the one who left him. He should be the one searching for answers on how to be better. Instead it’s me, the one who sacrificed EVERYTHING, for him, his kids that weren’t mine, for our kids, for our family. I am not perfect and have my own issues, but not enough of an excuse to divorce me.
    He doesn’t seem to care that I don’t text him or call him, he doesn’t try to get ahold of me to see how we are doing or where we are going to move to. He doesn’t show any care at all. He said “it’s me not you” and was being so nice to me when he was telling me all this, and seemed to be understanding when I was telling him I hated him and getting mad at him. He didn’t blame me for anything, but now, he’s telling our mutual friends (just the night before) lies about me and blaming me for things. I guess he also said that he should have never came back the first time we split up, and that he didn’t do enough to try in our marriage…but that his feelings for me changed and he just doesn’t love me anymore in that way, as a husband shoild love his wife. He said I love him more than he loves me and it’s shouldn’t be one sided. What should I do? I don’t want to hold on to our marriage anymore if I just will continue to hurt and hurt. He is showing me he is completely done and over our marriage. All my friends and family encourage the divorce. To really move on with my life because it’s over. And it just seems messed up that HE ends it, after all I’ve done. I’m certainly not “in love” with him, after all the hurt and things he’s done or doesn’t do for us. But I feel so compelled to believe in change and was given a scripture to “wait” in Ruth. But I still feel like giving up and letting go.
    I planned to email him saying I agree with his choice and it’s best for us to be apart. Then go on to talking to him about money and visitation. I’m done being hurt, I have dreams I want to focus on, and life goals that he is suppressing me from. It feels better to let him go almost. It’s too painful to try and be the one holding on. Maybe he’s right, maybe I do love him more than he loves me. The truth is, I love God more than I love my husband. I just wanted to do what it took to save my marriage and family, but at this point, he’s so toxic to me and the kids, that I don’t want him back this way.
    I don’t know what to do…..

  6. Anonymous says:

    My husband left 3 months ago and he is living with his girl friend he has become so cold to me and won’t try for our marriage the divorce word has been thrown around a lot but so far thank God he hasn’t filed for it yet. Standing for our marriage has brought a sanity in me l thought was lost, and has restored my prayer life and faith for l pray more now more than l have ever done in my entire marriage, taking it all to God reduces the panic

  7. Dan says:

    Can you still Stand for your marriage even if your wife has divorced you? After 4 months of “I love you, but not in Love with you” my wife moved out. I knew I needed her to go to save our relationship. It has been 2 + weeks and we have rekindled a fallen friendship, but the divorce still powers on. I pray every day and God I know speaks to me and says, “a piece of paper does not change what you have vowed to God”. Can I still Stand for once the divorce is finalized and what should I really do now?

  8. Dan says:

    Can I stand for my marriage even if my wife continues on with the divorce.

    I have been leaving with my wife in our, “I love you, but am not in love with you home”. Finally she needed to leave and trusting God I let her go, knowing that if there was any chance of getting her back she would need to be able to spread her wings a little. We have 5 kids and all we did was parent and many times we were not on the same page. This gave us no time to work on our marriage. Now we have become good friends, better than ever.
    So divorce goes through do I quit standing? What can I do in the meantime, just be good friends and let her experience life?

    • Jack and Janet says:

      Hi Dan,

      I’m so sorry to hear this. I know this is an extremely difficult time and it is hard to know exactly what to do when you want to desperately do something.

      To answer your question, yes you can stand for your marriage even if the divorce goes through. There have been many testimonies of marriage reuniting even after divorce. We have a friend who did not necessarily “stand” for her marriage after divorce. But her and her ex husband remained friends and unmarried for many years. Then just this past year they remarried each other after 17 years of divorce. It was a surprise to so many, but the love they had for each other never went away and it is very obvious today.

      Of course the choice is yours to make. No one can say you have to stand for your marriage. And no one can say you can’t. I always believe the best thing is to do what you believe the Lord is telling you to do. There is no way to guarantee you that your marriage will be saved. Not even the Lord can do that, because He will not violate your wife’s free will. But if the Lord tells you to stand, I would do that for as long as He says to.

      And yes in the meantime, be the best friend you can be to your wife. There are so many who are in this same situation and their spouse won’t have anything to do with them. So be thankful you have something to work with and watch God do the rest. Just make sure you don’t push, even when you think a little pressure could be helpful.

      I appreciate what you’re doing and I’m here for you if you need me.

      God bless!
      Jack

  9. Margaret says:

    Hi
    I can’t sleep.
    My husband left me seven weeks ago, for the third time in five yeArs. The housing people have given him three houses now
    I love this man
    He is older than me
    I am a Christian, ive prayed for him for years.
    My husband can see no wrong in himself, his behaviour , he blames everything on me
    He too is a Christian, has been for many years ,only I don’t see much Holy Spirit working in his life
    I asked him, did God tell you to leave me?

    So this is the third time, he’s got another house, godly people are helping him furnish it but the same people aren’t helping to convict him of his sin , in separating from me or abandoning me.

    I have prayed, fasted and cried to God, to bring my husband back to himself and me his wife,
    Tonight I am the one, not sleeping, anxious, whilst I expect my husband is sleeping without any conscience and will tell you he has the peace of God!
    How is this, I don’t understand”
    After two weeks of seeing him, making him food, being in his company, being up beat,
    I felt hurt and broken today, I couldn’t hide it, and I blurted out,
    This is the third house I’ve been to,
    I cant take anymore,
    Just let me know when your divorcing me
    You are breaking a promise to God
    And I left him in his house
    I have cried most of the day, I don’t feel annoyed about what I said, because it is the truth but I would tell you I was trusting God and was leaving it with him, until I said those things in anger and frustration today.
    I have asked God to forgive me for my outbursts today and I asked my daughter to phone her dad to get him over, but he said he was in bed and it was too late.
    So.
    If I’ve been the one confessing my sins to my Lord and asking him to heal my marriage and truly believed Iam being obedient to God, why have I undone everything!
    Why has my husband said to my daughter, that he’s not taking anymore of it from me.
    Why can’t this man see the hurt he has caused me by leaving me three times.
    If he’s such a godly man, why can’t he see his sin and actions in our marriage and why won’t he consider he is partly to blame, and why has he no conscience or conviction in his treatment to me
    If he’s so God fearing , why can’t he acknowledge before God, what he has done and repent and stop pulling our marriage asunder.
    I am far from innocent , I understand this separation my husband has initiated was because of the consequences of sin, not mine but ours, yet he is so deluded and beguiled by satan, yet he is sitting in church, worshipping God! How do you do this!!!
    And his church friends Are patting him on the back , for his new lifestyle, visiting him, bringing him presents, inviting him round to theirs, it seems like, rather than counselling him and showing him gods word and gods perspective on marriage and separation.
    Lord help me, I need help.

    He

  10. MK says:

    I’ve been standing for my marriage for 10 years and it has been a very difficult journey. The last 6 years I have actually stayed in weekly communicate with my ex husband because he calls me and often seeks reassurance – if I’m still waiting for him and confesses his struggles to me. The last 3 to 4 years he’s had a girlfriend he recently took down to the courthouse and married her after her demands and pressuring him. He called to tell me and I was devastated again. He knew and knows I have been standing for our marriage. He’d even talk about how he could come back home and admitted to being unfaithful to me during the earleier days of our marriage. He seems so lost and confused when he’s here with me but yet continues to live with other woman. I’ve had dreams and so many confirmations from God to keep praying for his salvation and his return. My husband’s greatest need is salvation and I can’t give up on him even-though my hope is dashed for marriage. He still calls me to say hi, visits & check up on me weekly.

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