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Has Your Spouse Found Someone New?

This is also a continuation of yesterday’s post, What if You’re the Only One Holding On.

Today I will deal with what you should do if your spouse has found someone new, but you still want to save your marriage. Although this is an affair issue, 
I will not be talking about how to catch your spouse, how to stop the affair, or how to reconcile after the affair has stopped. And I should also add that I’m not a trained counselor and the advice I give is strictly based from my own experience, my study of God’s word, and the helpful counsel I received when I went through this same ordeal.

As I promised yesterday I want to share some things I learned from my own experience with a spouse that wanted to be with someone else. This is a very tough issue and there is no way I can be completely thorough with just one blog post. So for more information please read some of our other post. And don’t forget, if this is the situation you find yourself in, I strongly recommend you read Dr. James Dobson’s book, “Love must be tough.”

Here are my tips

  • Prayer: It is obvious that you need to pray and if you’re in the middle of a bad situation you are probably already praying as much as you are able. I know, because sometimes there are no words to express how deeply you are hurting. Sometimes all you can do is say, “help me Lord” and “I need you Lord.” Then there are times when you have to tell the Lord how you feel and how it all seems so unfair. That’s okay, you need to unload your burdens and cast your cares. But you just don’t want to stay there. Don’t let yourself fall into a victim mentality. You need to be proactive and take on a warrior’s mentality for your spouse, and a humble servant’s mentality for yourself. What does this mean?

Briefly:

  1. As a prayer warrior you need to pray for your spouse. Don’t pray for them as just your spouse, but as someone who has lost their way. Pray for their heart to be tender and open to the Lord. Pray that their eyes will be opened and that their ears will hear truth. Pray that the broken places in them will be healed.
  2. Then as a humble servant, pray that your heart is tender. Pray that your eyes are open and truth prevails. Pray for healing in your heart. Pray that you will use wisdom and grace as you move forward. And pray that God will use this difficulty and mold you into the person He wants you to be.

More tips

  • Hope: You have to have hope to believe for a healed and restored marriage. Hope is the fuel that keeps you pressing forward. It is what keeps you looking at the marriage you want in spite of the difficult situation you’re in. With hope you can fight to save your marriage even if your spouse “thinks” your marriage is over. For more on hope read, “9 Ways to Keep from Losing Hope.”
  • Open the door: Don’t get me wrong, this is not, “don’t let the door hit you on your way out.” This is something I learned from Dobson’s book. If your spouse feels like they are a caged bird and they are thrashing about trying to find their freedom, you have to open the door and set them free. You can never win at love if you have to hold your spouse captive. It will be scary to set them free, but remember the only love you will ever receive from them is a love they choose to freely give you.
  • Create your own space: The second thing I learned from Dr. Dobson was when your spouse moves away from you it is because they want to create some space between you and them. When this happens, the last thing you want to do is close the gap between you. That will only push them further away as they try to maintain the space they feel they need. What you have to do is start to create your own space. Start moving in a direction that shows you are capable of making it in life without them. When you do this you will create more space between the two of you and if your spouse has any reservation about the direction they have chosen, they will feel a greater distance between you and they will move back in your direction in order to close the gap.                   Caution; this is not a game and it is not playing hard to get. It is about you moving forward with confidence and setting boundaries for what you will accept in you life.
  • State your position: This is something you must do right away with absolute clarity so that once you have done so; you will not have to keep pleading your case and as a result push them further away. Just simply, let your spouse know that you want your marriage to be restored. Tell them you are willing to do the work and get the help that will enable the two of you to rebuild your marriage. And that you will in no way tolerate their affair. Let them know they have a choice, either they can have you with 100% commitment to rebuilding the marriage or they can have their affair and risk the strong possibility of loosing you forever.
  • Be attractive: The law of attraction is what brought you together and it is something that will help you restore your marriage. This is not about comparing yourself with your spouse’s lover and you trying to present yourself attractive in an effort to compete. It is simply presenting yourself as someone your spouse will want to take notice of and think twice about loosing. It may mean presenting yourself attractive in a physical way, like you would if you were going out on a date. But not in a way where you are over stressing to change your physical appearance. And most importantly, this is about being an attractive person on the inside. You may have to put on a strong face when you are around them. But be sure, your spouse will only want to be with you again when they feel they are going to lose something very valuable if they let go of you. If you show yourself to be somebody they pity or are someone they disrespect they will likely want to continue moving away from you. So, be strong, confident, full of life, full of joy. If you have to fall apart, save it for your time alone with the Lord or someone else who is helping you through this.

Finally three simple don’ts that will help you to not sabotage your hard work. When you are dealing with a spouse who is trying to pursue a relationship with someone else you must keep these simple rules; don’t beg, don’t fight, and don’t preach.

I know this is a hard time in your life and it is not easy to walk out all of these tips I have given. But if you don’t do anything else, you must cling to the Lord. He is faithful to see you through this and He WILL cause this to work together for your good if you will only fully surrender to Him and trust His ways are always best.


Thanks for reading. Please fill free to leave us a comment.

23 comments

  1. There’s nothing like someone who is the voice of experience to know how to best give insights. I especially appreciate your encouragement to pray for them as someone who has lost their way and to pray that the broken places in them will be healed. May God help those who read this blog be inspired to pray as God inspires, and what you propose is definitely grace-based, God-inspired.

    Thank you for these wise words of experience. May God abundantly bless you and your wife, Janet.

  2. jackandjanet says:

    Thank you Cindy and Steve. Your comment is very much appreciated. It really means a lot coming from you sense we have been reading and using your site to help us teach our marriage class long before we began this blogging ministry. I was delighted to see you as a member of CMBA when we joined this year. We look forward to working together with you and all of our CMBA members as we serve for His glory. God bless you both as well.

  3. This is excellent advice!!! I experience being cheated upon and The Lord led me to practice all those tips–they worked!! I had peace, wasn’t depressed, and my husband got back in his right mind and repented.

    • jackandjanet says:

      Thanks Cassandra. I’m glad your marriage was healed and now you are also able to minister to others. God is good. Blessings to you and your husband.

  4. jamie says:

    Another great, encouraging post. I’ve been pointing friends towards this that are going through the same things. I can only pray that their marriages are restored. Thanks for writing!

  5. jackandjanet says:

    Thank you Jamie for reading and commenting. It is good to know you are in the right position to help other. Keep up the good work you are doing. God bless!

  6. jeanne says:

    Do you think the advice is good for a situation where my husband isn’t having an affair, but he’s pulled away, seeking distance? I keep wanting to close the gap, but after reading this and some other helpful blogs this seems like solid advice for me to follow. We’ve recovered from an affair from 6 years ago, but our marriage is really struggling now. I don’t think he’s involved with someone now, but he’s stated how he doesn’t see how we can work and seems to have given up. We still live together and he’s given no indication of leaving. He feels like I’m not giving him space and thats what he wants now.

    Having been through an affair already, that makes me so scared so I want to keep him “caged” but I know that by doing that before I couldn’t prevent anything so I know I can’t do that now. I’m not giving up, I’m seeing my faults in our relationship and trying to focus on me and my relationship to God, so I can allow Him to work in my husband.

    The advice to “don’t beg, don’t nag, don’t preach” seems very applicable. He’s a believer but is far from the Lord right now (at least thats how it seems).

    • jackandjanet says:

      Jeanne I do think this is good advice for your situation because the idea of you trying to close this gap can push your husband further away if you’re not careful. But there are some things you can do that won’t come across as pushing. I just wrote a new post that deals with this type of problem and so it would easier to let you read it to get more insight on this. Go to “When You’re the Only One Trying to Improve Your Marriage” > http://wp.me/p2FRIA-N7

      Thanks for commenting.
      Blessings!
      Jack

      • JD says:

        Well, I found out about a month ago that my husband has been involved in an affair since December. This is so tough bc he is telling me she is pregnant and is pretty sure its his child. I’m over the initial shock, but the pain is so great. He’s confessed, but I don’t see repentance yet. So many lies that I can’t sort through all of this mess.

  7. Jared White says:

    I have been reading all your posts like a mad man for the past 4 days. I wish I had found your blog sooner but I guess everything comes as we need it. My situation is a lot like what I am reading through all this but I have questions about what I should be doing and still haven’t seen any post that makes me feel I am making the right choices. I was wondering if there is an email or something I could ask for some guidance from you or someone else?

    • jackandjanet says:

      Hi Jared, I would be glad to talk to you privately. You can use the email address on the side where it says contact us. Or you can send me a private message on our Facebook page.

      Jack

  8. Lori says:

    I know this is advice for marriages but God works in funny ways sometimes. HE makes me smile! I have a son who is hell bent on leaving home–he is very defiant and is unhappy with the natural consequences of his actions (failing classes+lying about completing work+continuing to lie when it’s discovered=no media until assignments are done, for example). I know there are issues of rejection and a lot of bottled up anger, and we’re seeking mental health help for him. He is a minor thus too young to legally be on his own.
    He describes feeling like a caged animal. The principles you put in place can be applied to my situation in how we deal with his behavior, esp setting the boundaries and not discussing them repeatedly and not trying to convince him he should stay.
    As I said, a very different situation, but it confirms I am handling someone who wants out of the family in a godly way. We’ve discussed what needs to happen until he is of age to be on his own, and stressed the boundaries will remain the same. We are digging in in prayer.
    You never know who or in what situations God will use your blog!!

  9. LLN says:

    My H filed for divorce after getting the OW pregnant. He has moved in with her and their newborn. We have been married for 23 years. Any hope for us? He just wants a divorce so he can make the OW and baby honest.

    • SJ says:

      LLN,
      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I saw your comment and it hit so close to home as I’m in a very similar situation, except my husband won’t file for divorce. He’s living with his mistress and their baby who is 7 months old now. He left me when he found out she was pregnant last summer. He won’t even tell her he’s married. I have found many many stories of affairs, but not many about affairs where children are a result. Its been encouraging for me to hear of people going through the same thing so I wanted to let you know, you are not alone.
      I can say, with God, there absolutely is still hope for your marriage, but even if your marriage isn’t restored there is still hope for you. I’ve been in this nightmare for a year now and this is my husband’s 3rd affair. God is doing so much in me and carrying me through this in a way I never would have thought possible. I have good days and some really bad days, but I know God sees me, knows me and hears me. I know that no matter what happens He will work good for me through it, even if its not my idea of good.

      I hope you have or can find a supportive church family, thats made all the difference for me. They are helping me fight for my marriage when I think I would’ve given up without them. Its so hard being in the middle of things not knowing how its going to turn out.

      This blog has been so helpful to me and a book that has helped me, along with her amazing ministry, is called Waiting For His Heart by Joy McClain.

      Lifting you up in prayer right now!
      SJ

      • lln says:

        Thank you for the prayers. My H seems so happy now with his new life. He left for a coworker he has known for 10 years. I just don’t understand why now? With a new baby & all the firsts to draw them closer I am giving up hope.

        Thank you also for the book recommendation & sharing your story. I have a lot of support, but like you after a year of this & having him w someone he knows so well…..I just don’t see how he’d ever turn back to me. And so far any dealings w the divorce have been full of animosity.

        I’d love to heat stories of happy endings when there is a baby involved. And too make things worse, my children love the girlfriend & are happy their dad is happy. He isn’t dealing with any bad consequences.

  10. Heather Keller says:

    I need prayer. 4 months ago my husband moved out. He just left. We had some problems with my children . pone child but he seemed to be getting bad advice from his boss who didnt like me. The feeling was mutual. He only seemed to have my husband working overnights and always pulling him away from family. My husband has PTSD from the Iraqi war and doesnt need to be doing security work so I encouraged him to go to college and pursue and education. they said I didnt thin he was good enough for me but I loved and still love him with all my soul. Now he lives with his boss’s sister in an adulterous relationship even though he swore that there was nothing going on. I see him at the store where he is a guard. I work near there and I shop there. He accuses me of stalking him even though I lived in this city ling before he came here. I dont even speak to him when I see him becasue he is cruel and unkind but we are still married and I still love him. I feel as though he is under the influence of wicked people. His family loves him. I love him. Our friends love him. He doesnt talk to any of us any more. He dropped all friends and family for these people. I love him and want him. I pray everyday and pray for him. I know he has free will but I know in my heart that this is not who he is. I pray for God’s mercy. I continue to build a life for me and my kids. They are not his biological kids. We were happy before these pople came into our lives.

  11. Ryan Shanner says:

    I’ve just begun this awful journey, and started out begging and preaching so I hope I haven’t sabotaged myself completely already.

  12. Amy West says:

    I LOVE MY HUSBAND with all of my soul.And he’s gone and has found someone else.He claims to LOVE her !! I’m DESTROYED!! We were seperated before he met her..and now he’s moved on.Seems to help she’s RICH ..I have searched the Internet and my Bible for answers …looking for HOPE…I’ve BEGGED GOD to PLZ BRING HIM BACK !! Now he’s pushing this woman on our 7 yr old son and not only does she claim to LOVE my husband but also OUR CHILD (whom she only met 3x’s!! What a CROCK!!
    I BEG ANYONE READING this to PLZ join me in Prayer for my marriage to RECONCILE ..Jesus said if 2 gather in my name whatever they shall ask shall be given unto them…I have also prayed over all of your painful stories.
    I TRUST GOD … I love the fresh idea that is listed in above article..as bad as I want to close the gap,beg,plead,scorn…I WONT…I will STAND FIRM in FAITH ..the ONLY thing I can do at the moment besides PRAYERFULLY BEG GOD!!

    • Jack says:

      Amy,

      It’s sad to hear your marriage is in this kind of trouble. I’m glad you are standing firm in your faith and seeking God for His help. We are here to encourage hope and give Godly advise. So, let us know if there is anything we can do.

      We are praying for you,
      Jack

  13. pnncevinco says:

    I wish to say, as a marriage counsellor I see that happen often in marriages, that is spouse leaving their spouse to move on with somebody else. Quite often, couples are directly or indirectly responsible for pushing their partner to another man or woman. One of the main reason or cause is couples who took their spouse for granted. It is taking our spouses for granted that make couples not to be committed to each other and their marriage.

    So one practical solution to handle the above situation is to identify and correct the issue that made our spouse leave us in the first place. Definitely, there are issues that made our spouse lose interest in us. If you pray hard alone without taking a practical step to resolve the issue, it will be difficult for our spouse to have a change of heart about coming back to us.

    Finally, you need counselling, also fight for your love and don’t allow another man to snatch your wife or another woman to snatch your husband.

  14. Luiza Menezes says:

    How does it work? Does God punish husbands who marry somebody else while they are still married to the first. Catholics and Christians do it. Rampant in Western countries. My husband Kenneth Rose Fernandes who is in Sydney messed up my personal life, career, cheated, robbed and finally abandoned me, cooly cancelled my spouse visa to australia even before I could enter the country and applied for divorce in australia when he is married to me in india. Do such men get punished by God or do we women have to go through health and finance brunts like I am going through?

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